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deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 28th, 2013 (02:06 pm)

Proper update soon...

I'll hit you up sooner ash:]

As sad as this is...it really is hard letting go of the past.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 6th, 2013 (10:27 pm)

without fail.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 6th, 2013 (10:47 am)
current song: gaslight

arrived from amazon yesterday:
big bang S6,
sasquatch dumpling gang,
my RT-AC66U ASUS router that i cant set up for some inexplicable reason...AWEsome...

now i gotta find a tech to come do it, greaaaat.

still to come from amazon:
parks and rec S4&5,
mindy project S1,
new girl S2
espn 30 for 30

trust me...im trying to keep my mind occupied.

i might get on gta later...see how i feel.

i dunno how i do it but i seem to just waste my weekends...
not intentionally but, it just...happens.

next weekend i'll be in hounslow civic centre for a combined 16 hrs...

i need to be out taking stupid pictures again of random crap...
it'll make me feel worse but hey,
at least i'll be outside.

i bought this holga twin image maker like 2years ago and i havent even opened it yet...
ive gotta break it out.

rightso things to do today:
have a shower
go 1 o'clock meeting
watch some nhl from last night
maybe some gta/nhl

it just sucks the nights are drawing in...i hate short days...

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 5th, 2013 (11:16 pm)

current mood: sad
current song: youngbloods - amity

another saturday spent moping around*sigh*...trust me, i know this isnt attractive...i just dont know what im doing.
one min i think im ok but...im not.

do you ever feel as though you're just killing time? waiting for nothing...
another day wasted.
another weekend gone.
repeat for another 40yrs...

i really must suck as a human being.
im 29, i have zero friends, zero things to do...just emptiness.

it didnt used to be like this though...i mean, ive always been pretty introspective and missing sonething in general but, you know what, for a brief window in time, for these past 3yrs i actually found my place in life. and that was with ky. my other half.
and now what?
ive got all this life ahead and what...its just nothing.
i could die tonight and no one would care except for my parents.
what have i done with these 29yrs...?
im lost and im scared.

i just wanna be whole again.

i need closure but i wont get it and im scared this will eat me, slowly, and i'll be some bitter old man who hates everyone and everything.

i have no idea whats next...
im just so unfulfilled.
which sucks even more because i have so much to give.

you know when you truly love someone, you love them completely,with all your heart. everything that makes them them...good and bad because the bad isnt bad, its...love.

i guess she never loved me the same way.
she loved me in her way but it wasnt the way i loved her.

its just doing my head in.
and ive got no one to talk to about this.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 5th, 2013 (06:09 pm)

all week i wait for this...but im too upset to feel like doing anything...
wknds are the hardest.

i just wanna disappear and not feel this pain anymore.

im gonna die alone and there will be no trace that i ever existed apart from these words in this journal.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 5th, 2013 (12:35 pm)
current song: the almost

i've lost my best friend...my one true friend who i trust with all my heart...
i just dont understand why. i just dont, this hurts more then i can explain.
i'll never understand....i know i wont.
i guess i'll have to go through life never knowing.
i just dont understand.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 1st, 2013 (10:33 pm)

man i love you

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

October 1st, 2013 (10:31 pm)

today was really hard.
im so tired but i cant sleep anymore.
while we were together i could finally close my eyes and be at peace.
i cant now.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

September 30th, 2013 (07:58 pm)

current mood: sad
current song: let it out - ed sheeran

ive kinda lost count of the days...everythings been kinda messed up.
its been about 4 weeks since ky and me broke up and i still cant get my head around it.
like the last 3 years of my life (our life) count for nothing.
how i gave myself to her completely.
and how she said she did too but obviously not because shes called it...
i honestly dont know anything right now...im kinda just trying to process everything and let go.
its really hard.
im just...
really sad.

deadsailorscoat [userpic]

(no subject)

May 4th, 2010 (05:39 pm)

the world flooded.
sitting at the back of a cafe on the western front.
listening to new songs from Owatonna that remind me of the postal service.
formulating a short story.
sitting next to the kid with the purple flashes in his hair.
the kid with the saddest face and devastated eyes.
harboring secrets.
Lenka and Rene walk in,
so i push myself harder against the wall
hoping it will lose its intensity and swallow me through it.

the guy turns to me
he says his names Tom.
he rides his bike everywhere
because its acts like a ocean greyhound or a gondola
in this Venetianesque world, as all the cars drowned.
he tells me where to go and points the way
but i never get to see the other side of the mountain 

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